“If you want to build your capacity for peace, you build your capacity for chaos,” said Mistress Francesa. The professional dominatrix and “sexologist” spoke to a group of head-nodding, note-scribbling onlookers, giving a lecture titled “The Pleasure of Pain: Reclaiming Sadism and Masochism” as part of the French-salon-inspired monthly queer lecture series Living Room Lectures.
There were 17 guests — a diverse group that was evenly balanced in gender and age — who sat around on a giant fuzzy white rug or an equally welcoming gray couch in front of a tastefully risque painting featuring nude male bodies. The audience settled in at the Williamsburg apartment that organizer and educator Adam Nye shares with his partner Patrick Finan — many of those present holding glasses of orange or white wine in their hands. No red, to avoid spills on the aforementioned rug.
Every month, Living Room Lectures, created by Nye, takes place in, as the name suggests, Nye’s living room. Its purpose is to share ideas, tools and expertise amongst the local LGBTQ+ community. Previous topics include a queer history of socialist cafeterias led by food industry worker and freelance writer Leo Kirts and “Queer Postering and Revolution in the Body” taught by acupuncturist Toni Haugen. Each lecture also raises money for a charitable cause of the hosts choosing. February’s lecture collected funds for the ground Decriminalize Sex Work.
The series began in October 2023, when Nye, who has a background in education, began inviting his friends over to learn from each other on a topic largely related to, he says, the “queering” of something. As a member of the LGBTQ+ community himself, Nye found himself searching for a place where he could forge meaningful connections among his peers in a space that encouraged reflection. Unable to find the environment he envisioned, he created it. His goal was to focus on meaningful connections forged in groups small enough to reach everyone in the room.
It quickly became apparent to Nye that it wasn’t just his friend group that was looking for a space where queer knowledge was at the forefront. The lectures have become so popular that he sifts through hundreds of requests for spots in his impeccably decorated living room. He’s also begun holding a new public branch of his educational endeavors called Intellectual Cruising. Nye said the popularity of Living Room Lectures signals a “longing to be together” in the queer community, and a desire to find solidarity and share ideas.
Back in his living room, after 30 minutes of mingling, the lecture began. Nye gave an introduction that provided context about Living Room Lectures and framing for the evening.
Some of the people who teach lectures are practiced public speakers, he said, and some have never presented in public before.
“Having [the lecture] in a living room lowers the barrier of entry for a lot of people,” he said.
Mistress Francesca — wearing a forest green sweater, black leggings and a large key necklace — began sharing her ideas, experiences and expertise with a forewarning of her own. She said for any question or scenario the audience could raise she’s “been there, done that, got the T-shirt,” so anything remotely shocking could be posed without fear.
Following that, she provided a little bit of history. Francesca spoke about how “hero” Marquis de Sae coined the term “sadism,” as well as the origins of the Temple of Inanna.
Much of Francesa’s lecture, complete with a stylized neon-lettered slide deck, pertained to the functional means of entering into a sexual relationship centered upon sadism. Portions of the lecture contained very explicit language. However, the underpinnings of the evening were discussions about healthy communication and radical self-acceptance.
“Do you know what a trigger feels like?” Francesa asked at another juncture. She asked for a volunteer “demo bottom,” and Colin Bedell came forward to sit in front of her legs for a demonstration. The purpose, the dominatrix said, was to show an example of “pain mapping” so that the amount of pain the person in the dominant position was inflicting matched up with the perception of how much the submission person was receiving.
“Number?” asked Priestess Francesca, as she dug a fork into “demo bottom” Colin Bedell’s muscular arm.
“Four,” he said in return.
The crowd laughed nervously as the demonstration ended.
After the lecture, there was a brief segment for audience questions. Nye remarked that while he does put out food for each of his homebound lectures, usually attendees don’t feel comfortable enough to eat until after the talk itself has concluded. That was certainly the case following Francesca’s presentation.
Whereas before the sit-down-and-listen portion of the evening, friendly intro-level conversations abounded, afterward the apartment was filled with raucous laughter as attendees slowly made their ways to the coat closet and out the door.
As he’s continued to hold his lectures month after month since 2023, Nye said he noticed a shift in the pitched lecture topics around the time of the last national election. The submitted topics shifted from things like analyzing the Muppets to sharing more serious expertise.
For Nye, the focus is on accessible, meaningful conversations, connection and education that focus on the queer community. His in-apartment lectures will always be free. He’s always searching in his own community for expertise — it’s accessible because it doesn’t have to be formal. Living Room Lectures and Nye’s strength are true openness to whomever would like to take a crack at leading a meeting, especially in a moment where the national agenda is set against it.
“I want this to be a platform for anyone in the queer community to access,” the host said. “Powerful things happen when queer people get in the same room.”
